So, here it is. I’m feeling lost. More than that, I’m feeling fucked. Completely, wholly, truly fucked over. I’m not sure what I did to deserve this, but it must have been something quite big.
I spent everything I had to move back to Denver in July with my then-boyfriend. I was triggered 3 days after we got back, and told him so. That led to a mini fight that lasted nearly 4 months. He kicked me out 2 days after the fight, but let me stay because he “felt bad that I would be homeless” (no, he didn’t want the blame for bringing me back and then deciding he wasn’t over his ex-wife). He proceeded to pretend to his friends and family that we were still together, telling me that we’d work it out eventually, all while I slept on his living room floor. Long story short: he eviscerated me emotionally, and enjoyed it. He created rifts between my longtime friends and I, and continues to lie about it when asked. He started fights almost daily, and then acted like I was the crazy one. He pretended to be sick, or would pop pills to make himself sick, or just generally force himself to be ill, so that I wouldn’t fight back, would feel sorry for him, and he could hide in his bedroom, on his bed, eating cheese and chocolate, and beating me up emotionally. On his birthday? Not sick. He told me he just didn’t want to deal with people, so he pretended.
I cried nightly. I gained 15 pounds from stress eating. I had nowhere to go.
I did end up leaving in an emergency, after he started a fight with me on my way to work that almost caused me to go back into atrial flutter. He giggled with glee as my body attacked me, and then he acted like he did nothing. I decided that he would end up killing me if he kept that shit up; I had already begin the process to move on without him.
After I left, I couldn’t get him to give me my mail, because he couldn’t just pull himself out of his bed for 2 seconds to answer the door, or lay it on the porch and let me get it. He was content with tossing it and saying he never saw it.
This has all led to right now: My check from the county ended up at his house last week (their fault, not mine), and he threw it out. He lied to me about getting it. I’ve had to ask them to stop pay and cut me a new one. It’s been another week almost. They’re not sure when I’ll get the money. Maybe yesterday. Maybe today. Hopefully by Friday, because after that, I won’t be able to pick it up.
This was supposed to pull me up, get me a car, and get me a home, so that – come December 31 – I don’t have to worry about being literally on the street. It looks like that’s what’s going to happen, because the golden boy has managed to fuck with me even after I got away.
December 31, I lose my home. I have literally nowhere to go after that – at least not permanently. Saturday, I lose my phone, because on top of this check fiasco, I have clients that won’t pay – or rather, I have ex-clients with whom I’ve wrestled for far too long, and their tedious tardiness means I can’t pay the bill.
I have spent weeks trying to reach out, but folks aren’t answering their phones, emails, pings. It seems, if it’s not razor blade bad, it’s just not important. I miss having someone with whom I could share my life. Reaching out to emptiness is hard. I struggle to keep it from being razor blade bad.
EVERY single time I get ahead a little, I get knocked back a LOT.
I feel small.
I feel unworthy.
And the shit of it all is that I am REALLY good at my career, and at life. I used to know how to live. I probably still do.
I’ve been rejected so many times, it’s difficult to get out of bed, hard to make the calls. Hell, it’s hard to eat.
I miss coffee. I miss cigarettes. I miss a life that’s responsive, and not reactionary. I hate feeling so alone that I get involved with people who don’t care how hard they beat me, and I don’t care because it’s attention and affection – two things that without them, I suffocate and die. Or, I have an anxiety attack that sends me into atrial flutter and back to the hospital.
And there’s nobody left to reach out to, because everyone’s hands are so full they can’t reach back.
They tell me things are different in the morning. Today they were worse. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.